// Aware that I’m aware.//

I’m trying out updating my tumblr from my new tablet; so far so good! I’ve been struggling with confidence issues a lot lately. Sometimes I feel amazing and happy, and other times I feel like I’m a bit clueless in this world. Sure, I’m happy. My life is moving in such a positive direction, yet I still allow my confidence to slip. I’m in a loving relationship, I have a full time job that I’m good at, I just got my Bachelors degree, I’ve been accepted to grad school in a field that will always be socially relevant which I also hold a personal passion for… so what’s the problem?

I’m struggling with my weight… I’m also struggling with quitting smoking. Money isn’t as good as I’d like it to be and I feel primarily responsible for this. These are minor problems, considering what I’ve accomplished… I’ve overcome all of them before, so there will be no learning curve. The motivation is inside me to change all of these issues and, quite frankly, I can do it with ease.

I already hear you all. Jason you’re very hard on yourself. Yup, I know. I just choose the wrong time to do it.

Remember —- You should only concern yourself with things you can directly impact in this moment… Quiet the mind, open the heart.

// Quitting for real reals this time//

Quitting smoking isn’t easy. I have to admit that I haven’t smoked for long. Honestly only several months, but that’s several months too many.

I’ve been using hypnosis to help me at night, but today is the first day I’m attempting without cigarettes. They were only a crutch during my divorce and I no longer need that crutch. The downside is that I’m addicted now and it’s going to be a task. To help, I’m carrying candies to help with the phallic issue, and I’m going to just try to muscle through. I’ve read that the majority of smokers were ones who quit cold turkey. I have a feeling that must w best because I don’t see any way to just smoke less… When I try, I end up smoking more, hah.

Wish me luck!

// Masters Degree here I come!//

School starts for me today. My first course is only 4 weeks long and is an introduction to Graduate Studies and the Student Web Portal (basically a course in how to go to school). It shouldn’t be too difficult. 

I had a few reservations when I first learned that my school identifies itself as a private Christian University, but honestly, religion isn’t important to me. School gives you what you are willing to take from it, and I plan to take as much as possible, seeing as how graduate school requires A’s and B’s ONLY to maintain a 3.0 GPA. This intimidates me —- especially knowing that internet courses aren’t my strong point (I hate the interaction with other people… haha). But I digress… all that matters is that I’m on my way to success, and I’m proud to say that I’m in Graduate School. Who knows, if this goes well, maybe I’ll be a double Masters one day.

// Sometimes you fail - and sometimes you fail to see.//

I interviewed today for a higher position within my company. During the whole weekend I had been mentally preparing myself for the interview, thinking of great answers to potential questions. I even networked myself to other managers to ask them what qualities a good assistant manager would possess. I went above and beyond my normal efforts in preparing for an interview because I feel stuck in my current job and want more for myself and my household.

I waited until the end of my shift, walked up to HR and sat down in the interview, probably feeling as positive as ever that I was prepared for this responsibility. I was met with rhetoric… a song if you will, explaining how inconsistent I am, and how if I were to be the employee I had been the past few days (the days leading up the interview) that I’d be a serious candidate… it concluded with me asking: “So, this isn’t a job interview?” and getting the simple response “no.” 

I walked out of my “interview” trying my best to hold back tears but it didn’t last long. I cried all the way to my car, and all during the drive home. I felt robbed of an opportunity to really show what I’m capable of. I felt ripped off thinking that I would actually receive a serious consideration for a higher position which I’ve earned. I feel like I simply cannot win, and these are the feelings currently dragging me down. 

Where there should be fire under me now to prove, there’s only a void… 

The fire froze…. 

// Thoughts on the Future - Money, work, etc.//

Today was eye opening. I feel a sense of defeat with my current life with regard to my employment. It’s simply not good enough any more. Sure, it is a fun and easy to work around “college job” but I’m out of college and the money just isn’t something that I can depend on, especially if I want to make strides to pay off my debts and have a productive future. 

I spent all day thinking of ways to make my life work better. I even applied for several higher paying jobs within my own company, and I plan to follow through with all of them. The thing that concerns me though is that my company goes primarily on personal opinion rather than merit (which seems to be the case in most jobs) and I’m simply not a kiss-ass. Funny how this is going to come back and bite me now, but I stand by my decisions. I always strive for change for the better, yet I come across as arrogant, outspoken, and often times negative. All I can hope for is a chance at redemption. 

My assistant manager left his position yesterday unbeknownst to me until recently and I promptly asked my manager for his position. I have an interview on Monday —- to supplement this I applied for several other positions within the company that I feel I’d be great at doing (all non-sales based). I’m quickly seeing, however, that many of these jobs will require a bit of ass-kissing and humbling on my part, but I’m willing to give it a try.

As for outside of my company, I’m a bit concerned. I’m pretty sure employers do credit checks on candidates, and my credit is pretty bad. In fact, I’m dealing with a payday loan company that has submitted me into check services. I don’t know if this will have an impact on whether or not I’m employable, and it concerns me. I didn’t think someone could put you in check services when there was no physical check written… huh. Needless to say, I have a lot on my mind, but I’m maintaining my positive outlook because this feeling I have is important, and definitely due. 

// 1/6/2012 - Grateful Journal//

Today I am grateful for:

• waking up feeling a lot better
• being welcomed back to YouTube
• my choice to be more level-headed and mature in my life choices
• waking up every day next to Victor <3
• having two healthy/happy cats
• feeling the need/want to be healthy again

// Stop Chasing Happiness//

I haven’t blogged in years. In fact, my original site was livejournal, and that was before people called it “blogging.” Chances are that not many people will see this first post, but I wanted to take this opportunity to venture back into the online universe. 

I renamed my blog and modified the design to keep it simple looking. Over time, you’ll begin to understand exactly why I’ve named it “Stop chasing happiness” but for the time being allow me to attempt an explanation. Over a year ago I was diagnosed with “Borderline Personality Disorder.” Many people aren’t really aware of what this is, or what it means, so I’ll give a basic description. It’s like being bipolar, but with a different frequency and outlook on life. Bipolar people typically have very high highs and very low lows that span for weeks, sometimes months. BPD is similar to it in some aspect, but the episodes are much shorter and, I’d argue, much more intense. I tend to experience more lows than highs, with regard to BPD, and they tend to be easy to trigger. A lot of times I feel as if people are ganging up on me when they give feedback. I also believe that most people don’t like me. Needless to say, it is a bit intense and can get quite overwhelming to deal with. 

“Stop chasing happiness” means that I’m becoming more aware of how I react in my life; I no longer want to hold myself to such a negative ideal. I set myself up to fail constantly, and use that as an excuse to escape into depression. I no longer wish to chase an ideal that doesn’t exist. You can’t chase happiness…

…you can only create it! 

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